SPOILER ALERT – this was my submission to a local *competition where we had to write a crime story. It is a work of my imagination and is of course complete fiction. Let me know if you enjoy reading it.
MY KILLER BLOG
1 October, 2021
If you are of a nervous disposition or take offence easily, please stop reading now.
Everyone else – welcome to my blog!
For a long time now I have been thinking of getting rid of my old mother and this blog is all about my journey. I will be sharing my innermost thoughts and schemes with you.
Feel welcome to follow me. I am new to blogging so would be very pleased to receive your feedback and comments. Thank you!
I am a happily married (I will tell you more about that another time) middle aged man with children and grandchildren whom I love dearly. I live mainly in London and also enjoy a second home in the English countryside. I enjoy walking and also spending time in my garden where I grow fruit and vegetables. I do not intend to post any photos of myself but suffice to say that I keep fit and I still have all my hair.
4th October, 2021
I think of myself as a kind and caring person. But that does not seem to count for anything any more. All my life I have been overlooked. My own mother ignores me most of the time and my opinions are never taken seriously by anyone.
5th October, 2021
I wish the old ratbag was dead so I could get on with my life. I am not getting any younger and she is standing in my way.
8th October, 2021
I lie awake at night wondering what to do for the best. Dear mama is taking such a long time to die. Would it hurt if I gave her a little bit of help? I desperately need to think of some kind of ingenious way to hasten her end. I would be really grateful to receive any useful suggestions you might have in the comments below.
11th October, 2021
I have conducted a great deal of research online – where would we all be without Google? It occurs to me that the safest way to do the deed will also, regrettably, have to be the slowest. I would prefer it to be sooner rather than later but, I am sure you appreciate that it is vital I find the most suitable method. Whatever I choose has to be the right kind of poison – odourless, tasteless and easy to obtain. Most importantly, of course, it needs to be undetectable.
14th October, 2021
I have conducted a SWOT (strengths, weaknesses, opportunities, threats) analysis of the various poisons that are easily available and here’s my list so far:
- Poisonous plants such as the Foxglove and Deadly Nightshade
Strengths – they are very easily obtainable
Weakness – far too quick and may have an acrid taste so they could easily be detected in food or drink
Opportunities – useful for quick results
Threats – they could pose a danger to me
Strengths – works well on rats
Weakness – works less well on humans. A very painful death
Opportunities – easily obtainable
Threats – easily recognised at a post mortem
Strengths – depending on the amount, it can be given over a long period so symptoms may take longer to develop
Weakness – can kill a person rapidly and painfully
Opportunities – can be consumed in small amounts over a long period
Threats – it can be easily detected in the system
Strengths – it is highly toxic and odourless.
Weakness – rather bitter in taste so easily detected
Opportunities – only a small amount is needed to produce a severe effect
Threats – a horrible and unusual way to die
And so on …
21st October, 2021
I won’t bore my followers by listing all the many poisons I have found. Suffice to say that none of them are ideal as they all have their shortcomings. My conclusion is a really simple and straightforward one. I don’t intend to use a “poison” as such. Instead, I will make use of some of the pills my mother already takes on a daily basis. They have all been prescribed by her GP so it will be very easy for me to obtain them without anyone noticing anything out of the ordinary. In fact, I have already started doing this to good effect as you will see when you read my next blog.
29th October, 2021
Mama always enjoys a soothing hot cup of cocoa at bedtime so my plan is to slip one of her many pills (though not her sleeping pills as they would work far too quickly!) into her drink. This works very well as the chocolate disguises the taste. What’s more, she loves this nightly ritual and always drinks it down to the last drop.
You are probably horrified reading this. You might think she doesn’t deserve to die but you don’t know her as I do. When other people are around she is all sweetness and light. But the minute their backs are turned she becomes this other hateful person. I think if you were in my position, you would do the same as me.
Life was much better for me when my father was alive because he would always speak up for me when I was being belittled. Sadly, dad died a few months back. It wouldn’t surprise me if the old goat had hastened his end.
I am so fed up with how she always undermines me in front of my children. She is unable to spend even one minute in my company without telling me what to wear, how to stand, how to walk – even how to speak. What’s more, she has never liked my wife and makes sure that everyone knows it.
5th November, 2021
Hello and welcome to those of you who have just joined my blog! Here’s just a quick recap to help you follow what is going on.
I am writing about how I began poisoning my mother earlier this year. Little by little. Not all the time but now and then. I wanted it to be gradual, natural. The pandemic has made it a lot easier for me because we have all been at home so much more – even my dear mama who, in normal circumstances, is hardly ever home. On the other hand, as many of you no doubt are discovering, being at home all the time with your nearest and dearest is not as much fun as you thought it might be!
10th November, 2021
For the past few months, as those of you who have been following my blog will know, I have been dissolving pills in my mother’s hot cocoa at bedtime. However, recently, I have moved onto doing such things as hiding her teeth so she can’t go out. There is no way mama would want to see people without her teeth in! She finds it a lot harder to eat without her dentures so has been asking for food that’s easier to swallow. It’s been easy for me to grind up some of her pills into mushy food such as stewed apple and custard. I have been getting such pleasure in seeing her eat and knowing that every mouthful is slowly killing her.
19th November, 2021
When the poison first started working she began suffering from horrible headaches. Fortunately for me, the family just thought it was her old migraine problem and they took no notice. Then, after a few months she began to visibly weaken. I could see that she developed a small tremor in her right hand. And, sometimes, to my great delight, her eyes twitched a little. In the end, her doctor sent her to hospital for check-ups but they haven’t been able to find anything wrong with her. Some of the family suspect that their dear old mother is turning into a hypochondriac but I know better. It’s really heartening to see how well the poison is working!
25th November, 2021
As the poison has taken its toll it has started to affect her mobility. She totters about the place and sometimes even needs to hang on to my arm. I really enjoy that. The one time my mother has ever shown that she needs me. Unfortunately, her dependence on me has not lasted and she has now been given a stick to aid her walking. I sometimes almost find myself feeling sorry for the old bat.
3rd December, 2021
Hi everyone. I don’t think it will be too long now.
8th December, 2021
The main effect of the gradual poisoning is that the old goat has lost confidence and has stopped wanting to go out. Unfortunately, this does mean that she’s around more than she was in the past which is a pain, but I can put up with it because I know it won’t last for ever. I have successfully been stepping up the dose without her noticing. And no one else has noticed either! I am feeling very clever and proud of myself. I can’t help wondering why I didn’t do this years ago!
16th December, 2021
Mother has started to nap in the middle of the day – something she has never done before.
23rd December, 2021
The family think mama needs more help so I have employed some carers to help look after her. We have to be very discreet because mother doesn’t want people to know that she isn’t her old self.
There’s this agency – KARE4U. A stupid name – a bit like TOYSRUS – but they have come highly recommended. I have been able to hand pick all the carers from their photographs so you won’t be surprised to learn that I have chosen only the young, good looking ones. Female of course – I’m a red blooded male after all. I have selected their uniforms too, though my younger brother complains that they look like something out of a Playboy centrefold. Well, he should know! After all, he’s the only one in the family who would know anything about that kind of thing – if you know what I mean. 😉
26th December, 2021
Another rubbish Christmas because of this pandemic. We all have had to stay home. Dear mama has spent most of the time in bed. What a shame.
31st December, 2021
Things have turned a corner. Mother keeps being sick. She might have to go into hospital again. Hopefully she won’t be coming out this time.
1 January, 2022
Happy New Year to all my followers! Have you heard today’s exciting – though not entirely unexpected – news? If not, make sure you listen to the announcement on Radio 4 at 7pm this evening. The BBC will be announcing the successor to the throne. Yes, that’s right. Remember you heard it here first. Mum’s the word!
PS Of course Camilla can’t help wondering if I’m going to be getting rid of her next. But how could I? She is such a wonderful support to me. And, after all – as I am sure some of you must have guessed – the accident with Diana was pretty much all her idea in the first place!
2nd January, 2022
DAMN! BLAST! AND DAMN AGAIN! SH*T! BU***R!!!!!!!!!!!!! After everything I’ve done for this country, the old goat has only gone and ignored me altogether and put William and Kate in my place!!!!!!!!!
I found your SWOT analysis really useful to help me choose what to study at university. Thank you!
I was enjoying your blog until I saw the swear words at the end. There is no place for this kind of language online. I will not be following you anymore.
Have you thought of going on the panel of Gardener’s Question Time? I think with your knowledge of flowers and vegetables – not to mention poisonous plants – that you would be a real asset to the programme.
I am a really big fan of yours and think you have been very unfairly treated. I hope this won’t be the last we see of you or your blog.
BLOG WORD COUNT: 2003
(*And, by the way, pleased to tell you I won the first prize!)
© Andrea Neidle, My Life in Poems