Oh no it wouldn’t!
Oh yes it would!
Here’s my take on the panto. Hope you like it!
BORIS AND THE BAD VIRUS
CAST: Boris Johnson as himself – always behind a lectern.
FAIRY VACCINE. She is all sparkly and carries a fairy wand.
VIRUS – THE VILLIAN. Looks like Boris Trump but has spikes sticking out all over its body. He has an orange face, orange spikey hair and orange hands.
SCENE OPENS ON BORIS STANDING BEHIND HIS LECTERN.
BORIS (INCANTING):
Bubble bubble tier and trouble
Help me – I’m in such a muddle!
A PUFF OF SMOKE AND FAIRY VACCINE APPEARS WAVING HER SPARKLY WAND.
FAIRY V: Did you call for your fairy queen?
My name dear Boris is fairy vaccine!
I’m as pretty as Carly Cyrus
I’ll rid you of this deadly virus!
AN EXPLOSION BEHIND BORIS AND THE TRUMP LOOKING VIRUS VILLAIN APPEARS.
VIRUS: Oh no you won’t!
FAIRY: Oh yes I will!
VIRUS: Oh no you won’t!
FAIRY: Oh yes I will!
BORIS: Oh yes she will!
VIRUS (THREATENINGLY):
I’m Biden my time, just wait and see
You haven’t seen the last of me!
ANOTHER EXPLOSION AND VIRUS DISAPPEARS.
BORIS (TALKING TO AUDIENCE)
I wish that virus would go for good.
I’m really sad and misunderstood.
I must be the unluckiest person in the kingdom.
First I had to negotiate Brexit – which I am – er er um – still working on of course.
FAIRY – Calm down Boris and have a beer
It’s not Corona – never fear!
BORIS CONTINUES IGNORING HER.
HE THUMPS LECTERN AS HE SPEAKS
Then I had to sort out my divorce so I could get engaged.
THEN we had this rotten, stinking, disgusting virus which I then caught. Such bad luck. Then I had to experience the NHS for the first time and I have to say they were pretty good. They saved my life. Then my fiancé Carrie what does she do? She goes and has a baby! Since then I have barely slept!
FAIRY VACCINE: Poor Boris. (TURNS TO AUDIENCE)
Boris has managed to pack into a few months what most of us don’t get done in a lifetime! No wonder he didn’t have time for all those Cobra meetings!
BORIS: Oh yes I did! (TURNS TO AUDIENCE)
Didn’t I boys and girls?
FAIRY VACCINE: Oh no, you didn’t!
BORIS: Fairy vaccine I thought you were on my side.
Are we going to get rid of this deadly virus or not?
FAIRY VACCINE: You have to trust me Boris.
BORIS: That’s what Dominic Cummings said and look what happened! Everyone knows you only need to drive for 50 miles to test your eyesight – not 500!
EXPLOSION BEHIND BORIS AND THE VIRUS APPEARS
FAIRY: Look out Boris – it’s behind you!
BORIS (NOT LOOKING) I wish my cabinet was behind me. I wish the country was behind me!
FAIRY: No, the virus, it’s right behind you.
BORIS (LOOKING – BUT THE VIRUS HIDES BEHIND THE HIM)
Oh no it isn’t!
VIRUS REAPPEARS AND FAIRY SPOTS IT.
FAIRY: Oh yes it is!
VIRUS HIDES AGAIN
BORIS: Oh no it isn’t!
EXPLOSION RIGHT IN FRONT OF BORIS AND VIRUS REAPPEARS
VIRUS: Oh yes it is! You don’t get rid of me that easily!
BORIS: (BEGGING, PLEADING) Oh Fairy vaccine, help me!
Help me get rid of this evil virus.
VIRUS: He didn’t say please, did he boys and girls?
Fairy Vaccine: (REPROVINGLY, IN THE MANNER OF A NANNY)
Boris say please!
BORIS: (QUIETLY) Please.
FAIRY: Say it as if you mean it.
BORIS: (A LITTLE LOUDER) Please.
VIRUS: We can’t hear you, can we boys and girls.
BORIS: (YELLING) PLEASE!
VIRUS AND FAIRY IN UNISON: That’s better!
FAIRY VACCINE:
Boris if only you were wiser
You’d know the help will come from Pfizer!
VIRUS: (STAMMERING IN A SCARED VOICE)
Ppppffffizer?
FAIRY VACCINE: Yes my dear your time is due
The world will soon be rid of you!
VIRUS: (SHOUTING) Oh yeh?
FAIRY: (IN UNISON) Yes!
BORIS:
VIRUS (ALMOST CRYING)
You’re all ganging up on me …
(THREATENING VOICE)
… But I’ll be back – just wait and see!
DISAPPEARS AGAIN IN AN EXPLOSION
BORIS: (to fairy) Do you think we’ve seen the last of him?
Fairy: Oh come on, Boris don’t be dim!
(TO BORIS AND TO AUDIENCE)
Viruses will come and go
As they have done for years you know
We’ll fight them off with all our might
And one day they’ll be gone alright.
But just for now it’s hands, face, space
If we’re to save the human race!
CURTAIN
© Andrea Neidle. My Life in Poems
My Life in Poems 
Brilliant, Andrea. Loved it! Best, Barbara and Irvine.
Sent from my iPad
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Wonderful and so clever! Thank you. X
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Several years ago we took Ethan to the local panto. As you know, Widow Twanky usually picks on one member of the audience and they converse all the way through the panto. On this occasion, the poor picked-on member of the audience was ME!. Ethan was horrified that Widow Twanky and I knew each other!!
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